Ok, so my dear friend/classmate Kendall Pippin had to write three Onion articles for her Headline Writing class. One of which, she told me was inspired by me. After reading it, I firmly believe that she is the only person in the entire world who "gets it."
½%, Quarter-Caf, Extra Shot, 162 Degree Sugar-free, Extra Foam Honey Latte Order Leads to Assault
Yesterday police were called to a Starbucks in the metro area to restrain an enraged barista from killing a man who placed a particularly ridiculous order and then sent the drink back, saying it was, “totally not 162 degrees”.
It was then that the barista, a graduate student at a local university, lunged over the counter and began wrestling with the patron. An eyewitness stated, “It was nuts. Both guys’ glasses flew off and all you could see were thin flailing limbs and black clothes with the occasional ‘[expletive deleted]’.”
Amazingly (or maybe not), neither individual was seriously hurt, and law enforcement was hesitant to even classify the incident as an assault, given the utter lack of bodily harm inflicted.
Thank you Kendall, for shedding light on this very serious matter.