A TRULY Brazilian Experience

So a LOT of stuff has been happening my last week in Brazil:
  • Saw RONALDO play in a soccer match last night here in Sao Paulo. It was truly amazing! I thought Redskins fans were insane, but this brought sports fanaticism to a whole new level.
  • Got my hair highlighted for the very first time and I am OBSESSED with it!
  • Saw Slum Dog Millionaire - Wow.
  • Recorded my song "Brazilian Boy" (rewrote the lyrics to the hit song "American Boy" by Estelle/Kanye West); got it PROFESSIONALLY recorded - it was a lot of fun and a great experience
  • Had a wonderful dinner with my friend Mariana - who is such a strong, smart, AMAZING woman and I am lucky to have found such an incredible friend here
So yeah, I'm leaving Brazil with a BANG! However, the biggest bang of them all happened this afternoon on my lunch break. Now, normally I wouldn't publish such a personal experience, however, I've been commanded by Kendall to blog about it....the experience being - getting a Brazilian wax.

My curiosity had gotten the best of me after Monica and Lauren had gotten Brazilian waxes a few days into our trip. I had never even come close to thinking about potentially getting one before, but in true "me too, me too" form, I decided I wanted to the true "Brazilian" experience also. So I asked Monica to make me an appointment a few days before going home. So that day was today.

It's also important to note that my friend Maria had gotten one a week or 2 ago and scared the crap out of me. She told me how painful it was. How terrible it felt. She could have been describing waterboarding if an unskilled eavesdropper had been listening. She HAD to have been exaggerating. After all, I've had my eyebrows waxed MANY times before. Sure it's not fun or pleasant, but the benefits far outweigh the costs. So I decided to go for it - and today was the big day.

I went with Monica and Lauren to the waxing salon and waited for my turn. I waited probably 30 seconds until the polite Brazilian waxer called me into her torture chamber- I mean her waxing room. She gave me some directions in Portuguese (as if this experience couldn't POSSIBLY have been more stressful), and luckily Monica translated for me. I was supposed to take off my pants and underwear, sit on the table covered in heavy butcher paper and wait for her to come back. So I'm waiting bare-assed on the butcher paper and she comes back. I lay down and cross my legs. She uncrosses them. I cross them again. She uncrosses. Ok, so I finally surrender to her - after all, she IS the professional, so I guess my legs HAVE to be open for this thing to work. Greattttt....now I feel like I'm at the OBGYN. Except this lady is a stranger, who doesn't speak my language, and who DEFINITELY never went to medical school. Greattttt....

There are little butterflies on the ceiling. I always get a kick out of that kinda stuff - when they put stuff on the ceilings - my orthodontist used to have the most intricate displays on his ceiling. It's nice to have something to look at - but you know it's meant to serve as a distraction. So I look at the butterflies in an attempt to ignore the BOILING hot wax she's dripping all over my private parts. She waits a minute and then rips it off. It felt EXACTLY like getting my eyebrows waxed. It barely hurt at all! Maybe I was just expecting the worst? I swear WATCHING Steve Carrell in the 40 Year Old Virgin was more painful.

So after the wax, she did a little plucking (which actually hurt more than the wax) - and then asked me if I wanted my ASSHOLE waxed too. Como? MY ASSHOLE!? Uhm. No thanks. I'm good on the asshole waxing. AS IF THIS EXPERIENCE COULD BE ANY MORE EMBARRASSING. So I emphatically shake my head NO and she gets it. Thank you Universal Body Language! Dodged a bullet there. So she gave me some lotion to put on later and gave me a smile.

I know it's terribly egocentric, but I always get so insecure about people seeing my hoo-hah. Even professionals! Like are they comparing my situation to other girls' situations? Did my waxer immediately go talk to her waxing friends about me? Does she have like a Wall of Shame of the worst/scariest "situations" ever? Oh God. How embarrassing...

So all in all - it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. The emotional trauma of anticipating FAR exceeded the actual experience. Was it painless? Of course not. They cover your most sensitive areas in hot wax - not something anyone would call a walk in the park. The end result is very nice - weird - but nice. The lady did a VERY thorough job and it barely hurt at all. Maybe she DID go to medical school after all! 

Uhm. Maybe not.


rosa! said...

hahahahah so funny. your pain tolerance must be higher than mine. or maybe the brazilian's just wax better? i got a regular bikini wax once and i SCREAMED. good thing i was the only customer or i'm sure other people would have walked out due to fear.

Ainara said...