This is a brief online interaction between me and my oldest friend. She’s not 90 or anything. But we’ve been friends since we were two years old. We were friends before anyone even HAD friends—pretty much two little girls who both drooled on the same block. But yeah, we’ve been friends a long time and our friendship pretty much revolves around us thinking we are way cooler than everyone else and making fun of people behind their backs. It’s quite enjoyable AND super mature.


*Some parts of this convo have been taken out or rearranged for maximum hilarity.


Laura’s Status: Panera is loud.


Elyse: LOL, at first glance i read your status as "Pantera is loud"

Laura: Dude. Pantera IS loud.

Laura: So both are correct.

Laura: Fortunately there was like a baby party that just left, like 3 annoying moms and their babies…and to make it worse the moms were all like 25 and blond and skinnier and better dressed than I am

Elyse: Are you trying to study?

Laura: In theory

Elyse: Well f**k those moms and their stupid babies and highlights

Laura: Ha ha ha. I hate hot moms.

Laura: If you have time to be hot, you're not being a good enough mom

Elyse: Hahahaha. Best theory ever.

Elyse: Are you gonna be in town for thanksgiving?

Laura: Unclear still. We were just talking about it this week. If not, there's a good chance I'll be moving home for good at the end of the year, so i'll be home soon enough

Elyse: Best news I’ve heard all day.

Laura: Aw thanks, it's the worst news I've heard all life, but i'm adjusting to it

Elyse: Hahahahahahahahaha! ALL LIFE?

Laura: Yes

Elyse: If you're not excited, then don't do it.

Laura: Moving back HOME after grad school, that was never ever ever ever in my life plans. I didn't even HAVE a life plan but that still wasn't part of it

Elyse: Let's move to Portland. That is my new fav city. I’ve never even been there.

Laura: Ha! That is SO TRENDY

Elyse: LOL. I know!

Laura: Sorry it's wayyy to trendy for me. We'd have to like wear vegan shoes and buy local veggies and listen to crappy music and other things that irritate me

Elyse: And become carpenters and drink soy milk and get fauxhawks…

Laura: DEAL! Ha ha we could write a book about stupid portland people
Elyse: Called “Two Jappy Bitches in Portland” LOL

Laura: I've never even been to the pacific nw, but clearly i know ALL about it





Oh, stereotypes. How I love you.